


i know you think it’s easy

by fleury



Category: Tiny Meat Gang (Band)
Genre: Friends With Benefits, M/M, Unhealthy Relationships, but the “friends” part is complicated, give it up for self-destructive behaviour!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-01
Updated: 2019-11-01
Packaged: 2021-01-16 06:56:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,770
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21266915
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fleury/pseuds/fleury
Summary: “if you know this is so messed up, why do you do it?”“you wanna fuck me or be my therapist?”





	i know you think it’s easy

**Author's Note:**

> this started as a little bit of a writing warm-up but it grew legs and now..........i don’t know what it is but writing cody as emotionally useless brings me???joy:)

it isn’t anything more than fucking. whatever happens between them, however cody gets his frustrations out, it is nothing more than fucking. 

because cody will show up at noel’s place sometimes, shards of despair and agony clinging to his skin and noel will—fix it. it’s not permanent. it’s never permanent. really, it’s about as temporary as anything of this sort can get, but for the few minutes cody spends underneath noel, things feel a lot better. 

what it is, the shit that goes on between them, is a problem. it’s a mistake. cody‘s pride dies whenever he finds himself at noel’s place, whenever he’s desperate enough to reach out and tell him this is what he needs. 

it’s wrong. and cody has never once believed that it’s easy, but noel is always so unfazed, always acting as though this is exactly the behaviour he expects out of cody. 

in a word, it’s embarrassing.

+

the very first time it happens is after cody goes through a particularly bad break up. already, he set himself up for destruction. 

he finds himself at noel’s place within the very same night, barely grasping at hope that anything could go well for him, and noel makes all his fears go away. 

at the touch of his fingers, cody forgets.

it’s a drug is what it is. noel is not helpful. he has not once been helpful, not in any sense of the word, but he makes cody forget. 

and cody knows it isn’t good for him. fucking one of your closest friends is never good for the heart, but he justifies it. because who is he to say going to a bar and drinking away his sorrows is any better than a quick fuck.

+

he’s ashamed of himself.

sometimes, it’s after. when he’s laying on the sheets, hot to the touch, his skin burning with the embarrassment of everything he’s done. it’s always in those moments that he dresses himself in record time. maybe he’ll put his shirt on backwards, or accidentally shove on one of noel’s socks, but he’s out the door like _that_.

sometimes, it’s during. it’s rare, but it happens. when cody is pressed into the mattress, his breaths coming out shallow and shaky, he throws an arm over his face. he hides his shame, hides what he can, because he knows noel knows the rest. he _knows_ there’s nothing he can do about the way noel can read him like a book. 

still, no matter what it is, in the moments where noel is leaving these pretty little fingerprint bruises along his hips, or bite marks just underneath his collarbone—cody will nearly always stare his shame in the face afterwards. 

+

he doesn’t know why he does it. 

or, well, he _knows_ why he does it, but he has no clue why he does this shit to himself. 

noel asks him why, one night, when he’s got cody in his lap. and cody’s fucking shivering, barely able to hold himself up, barely thinking, barely in the room.

noel asks, “if you know this is so messed up, why do you do it.” it’s bad timing. always bad timing with noel.

cody leans forward and hides his face in the crook of noel’s neck. his cheeks burn, flushed red, and he can’t find it in himself to get any words out. 

it could be that he can barely find the air in his lungs. it could be that he just can’t find an answer.

he asks, “you wanna fuck me or be my therapist?” and that’s that.

+

the next time he finds himself with noel, he doesn’t leave immediately after. 

they went to a bar, got drunk, and cody found himself pressed to noel’s side. it’s familiar. so, so familiar. maybe it’s why he does it. 

still, it’s different this time around. cody stares at the ceiling and neither of them speak.

noel’s breaths are levelling out, soft and easy, and cody isn’t confident enough in himself to make bets on whether or not noel is asleep, but he’s not stupid enough to check.

and—fuck, it’s awful.

not the sex, but always what comes after. this realization that he’s just digging himself a deeper grave. the fact that he keeps on resorting to this. that, at every chance he gets, he stumbles right back to noel. 

he fucking hates it. he hates himself for doing it. he hates noel for letting it happen.

+

it’s a problem. it’s a problem because noel doesn’t say no and cody’s feelings are dangerous.

then, he meets someone.

+

it’s weird.

not weird exactly, but unfamiliar.

because cody has gotten so used to jagged edges and rough bites, so used to pleasure coming hand in hand with pain, so used to harsh words and strewn blood and everything wrong with what he does that this doesn’t feel real.

because she’s wonderful. she’s got welcoming eyes and a smile that could light up the entire city of new york. she touches cody’s shoulder when he makes her laugh and whenever they meet eyes, her gaze goes wonderfully soft, and. cody is afraid of saying anything.

\+ 

she knows noel. actually, cody plays up exactly how kind he is with noel when they’re around her. he’ll make friendly jokes and they’ll banter back and forth. she’ll always be pleasantly amused.

plus, there’s something so much more frightening about fucking with noel when he’s trying to set his sights on someone else. this girl, this perfect ray of sunshine, and everything cody could ever want. 

but he’s self-destructive in all the worst ways. 

+

so, cody says, “don’t be nice.” he’s desperate and aching and noel knows exactly what he wants.

he puts cody on his knees, pulls his hair, calls him a slut, and cody wants it until he can fill that little gap in his chest with absolutely anything else. he tells him he likes it. he likes it when it hurts, when he can wake up the next morning and keep on feeling it.

unsurprisingly, this has always been enough of a distraction.

+

he finds bruises on himself when he looks in the mirror. bruises, cuts, scratches, and bites. 

it terrifies him, because cody could scrub at his skin for hours and they won’t leave him. there’s proof of noel all over him and the only time he sees anyone else how he gets to see noel is when he closes his eyes.

it’s all he gets, wishing, hoping, thinking. and it’s not enough, it never is. 

+

when cody thinks of noel, he thinks of the way pain buzzes over his skin when he presses on a bruise. he thinks of the way his heart stutters unevenly in his chest when he’s excited. he thinks of how being on top of the world must feel like and compares it to how noel makes him feel.

when cody thinks of _her_, he thinks it could be so easy. he thinks of her laughter and the way her lips curl around his name, and he thinks he could try something with her. something pure and beautiful and he could treat her right.

cody is so tired of being afraid.

+

she hooks their ankles together while they watch a movie, and cody gets too close. he loses himself, wraps himself up in her, and tries hard to focus on the tv screen. 

it doesn’t help, being this close to her and not getting what he wants. because cody was stupid enough to fall for a girl way out of his league and he doesn’t deserve any pity for that. he doesn’t deserve to have to deal with this either, to feel her soft hair against the side of his jaw, or have to look into her welcoming eyes. it crosses over into torture too fast, faster than cody anticipates, and then. 

it’s a start, he guesses. like, the beginning of the end. 

+

it doesn’t end with cody getting the girl, achieving a fairytale ending, and finally living happily ever after. it works more like cody telling noel he loves a girl, and noel sighing, noel not _caring_, noel telling him to go home and cody begging to stay.

cody begging. it’s pathetic and sad and he knows that’s exactly what noel thinks of him.

it gets him a ticket to stay over at noel’s, anyways. cody gives him a sloppy hand job and noel blows him, which. yeah, it is what it is. and this is what it always is.

noel does not pity him, not like anyone else would.

+

cody’s temper is a frail little thing. his ego is far too large and his pride is hard to tuck away. he thinks very highly of himself. 

it clashes with noel. the way noel holds himself, the way he isn’t afraid of shit, the way he can get underneath cody’s skin without even trying.

noel shoves him. he says, “stop being a fucking coward,” and his fist is clenched unforgivingly into his shirt. 

and cody thinks this a fight. cody thinks he’s supposed to hate him. 

“you’re an asshole, you know that?” his blood boils, his hands are shaking, and this is where he’s supposed to punch him. the exact moment he should be defending himself, when he should be pushing noel off and doing something. anything. but he’s stuck in place, frozen solid. it’s embarrassing.

noel blinks. he waits, bracing himself. when nothing comes, he says, “right,” and steps away. 

+

cody kisses noel in the elavator up to his apartment room and noel bites his lip hard. he makes it sting, makes it burn, and cody shoves him away. his fingers immediately go to his lips, coming away with the faintest sheen of red.

“what the f—“

“don’t,” noel interjects. “look at yourself. this isn’t how you cope with your feelings, you dumbass. you have issues.”

“why can’t you just let me have this,” cody argues, and noel frowns, his eyes blank enough to mess with cody’s head. it’s cruel. 

“i’m not _her_ and i’m not filling in as your girlfriend or something until you stop doing this to yourself. you can’t keep pretending i am.” noel looks exasperated now, scrubbing a hand over his face. “you’re only making this harder on yourself and i—i’m not going to feel bad for you. i’m not gonna help you through this, but i don’t want you to do this to yourself.”

cody can feel the frustration leaking through him, burning in his ears and gathering behind his eyes. 

“i hate you,” he says, sincere.

noel stares. ”yeah,” he breathes. “i know.”


End file.
